i have so much i want to say.
yet im so flooded by it,
that i can't put anything into words,
or form a sentence out of any of it.

but i really want to say sorry,
my most heartfelt apologies to the one i've hurt the most.
i know it's hard to believe if anything i did in the past was real.
but there's nothing i can do to prove it.
i know it deep in my heart that yes,
although i made a mistake,
but i loved you, with all of me, really.
even though, it all sounds fake,
and i know there's nothing i can do to atone for my sins.
but i just wanna say that i'm really really sorry
to have hurt you to this extent.
it hurts me too,
to see you in pain,
to see you tormented by what i did.
everytime i think about it,
not a moment goes by that doesn't make me feel like killing myself.
this is my only biggest, greatest regret in my life.
one that i will bring with me to my grave.

and i also wanna thank you.
for being ever so forgiving.
for still believing in me.
for still having to bear with your pain
and still face me at the same time.
thank you for everything that you've done for me.
and i really really appreciate and treasure
what's left of us.
and i wanna start from square one again
and build this whole thing back up,
with love, trust and honesty.

i've been thinking alot these days thou.
stuff that i cannot really put into words.
so i'll keep that for next time.

so with this,
i wanna say sorry mfl.
and thank you for all that you've done for me,
and all the sacrifices you've made.
i love you my sbg.

and matsui toshihiro can't even blog to cheer someone up. :(

rawr !
i damn dont like my mom and uncle.
they dont let me work at partyworld =.= ..

that made me sound 17-ish. =\
but yea,
i dont get it seriously.
they get so worried over something as small as this.
if they're gonna get worried over every little thing.
then what am i gonna do next time ?
wear a 2 inch thick specs and sit in the janitor's room ?..
zzz.
aiyah but whatever it is,
i guess i better not work there anyways. =.=

let's put it this way,
i'd rather not work and have no money,
than upset my family ?
yepp.
oh well.
so yah, no more job =.= ..

grr.
no more mood to blog le. =.=
lols. another time another time !
byebye =D
heh.

missssssssssssss.

ahhh.
it's been so long since i blogged.
but its not like alot of people know of this blog anymore.
>_< ..

okays.
here's abit of an update of my life.
i havent really been doing much of late.
but i've been going out alot.
gone to cine and cathay and cine and cathay quite a few times. =x
and watched harry potter with lynette. ((:
and went partyworld with lynette, lux, thomas, shan, zach, clarence. =D

life was pretty much on the downside.
but its getting better.
and i'm really trying my best now. =D
to make things better.
and i'm glad its really taking effect.
and all my hardwork has paid off.
but of course i have you to thank, starlyn((:
for being ever so forgiving.
for being ever so kind.
for being ever so CUTE.
and HOT. =P
thank you for everything.
you're the most wonderful person in the world ! =D

okays, so that about it.

today was asdf-ing sian -_-..
well not exactly the whole day but the major part of it.

i woke up and guess what i saw.
the cutest face in the world,
lying infront of me.
facing me, sound asleep. ((:
hehe.
so anyways,
the first thing she did when she woke up?
READ HARRY POTTER.
no need brush teeth, no need eat. -____-...
=X
lols. but she was hungry !
so i went down and cook potato for her ! =D
heh.
eat eat eat.
then after that go back up,
pack stuff then i send her home !
and after that ....
the most boring part of my day -_-.

go my uncle house.
sit down first two hour do nth.
my uncle keep talktalktalktalktalktalk. =.= ..
non stop. G_G...
so after he talk finish..
eat, then my other cousins came.
they reach le.
uncle made us watch some nazis show =.= ..
and all of them are talking in german. woohoo.
WAH.
halfway thru i really bth le.
tell my mom.
"hey lets go home. i'm gonna die here."
LOL.
so yepp. got home,
bathed, changed, and went to meet lyn.
we watched 200pound beauty tgt ! =D
hehe. it's a rather touching show (thou i didnt cry).
not a bad storyline. =D
and now i'm home blogging about my day.
and blah blah blah blah blah. =D
so yepps. thats about it.

goodnights world.
ilystarlyn(:

it is time for a change.
to learn from my mistakes.
and to grow up.

i've always thought i'm grown up and mature enough.
i've always thought that the world needed to change for me.
i've always thought wrong and
now i'm the biggest jerk in the whole world.

i've lived half my life with regrets and lies.
and now i really want to change.
i know i've hurt many people in my life
that i really shouldnt have.
and i'm really sorry for everything that i've done.
and i know there isn't anything i can do to make it up to everyone.
but i guess the best way to make it up,
is to change the way i am now,
and become a better person.

i want to say sorry to a particular special someone in my life.
one that i've hurt the deepest and the most.
and i'm really sorry for what i've done, and i'm honestly regretful.
let God be the judge and every reader be my witness,
i hereby solemnly swear that,
i will try my very best to change.
to never lie,
to never cheat,
to never smoke.
to never be revengeful,
to gracefully accept my faults,
and change to be a better person.

lynette,
i'm really sorry for all the wrong that i've done to you.
and i hope that you'll find it somewhere in your heart to forgive me again.
i'm know i've done you wrong,
and i know i deserve so much worse.
and i'm really thankful for all that you've done.

i love you.
and as a new man,
i swear again, my love to you.
will stay true, for now, for always and forever.
i'm sorry.

i'm afraid.

but now there's nothing i can do anymore.

hiro, you're gg.

to live and love.
what more could i have asked for.
yet i wanted more.
i needed more.
it's human nature.

why did god create me to be,
what i didn't want to be.
so he could watch me suffer,
and then mock my misery ?
am i just a sport to him ?

how i wish there was a deeper meaning to this all.
how i wish that yesterday didnt happen.
how i wish love could stay, forever.

as i walk thru this darkness,
i see a beam of light,
a little hope.
but as i finally reached the light,
it is, but just a figment of my imagination.

i'm losing hope,
i'm losing ground.
i've lost all sense of sight,
time and direction.
i'm lost in this abyss.
the abyss i've created with my own two hands.
pulling me in, slowy..
until im consumed in it,
lost forever.


i've loved you more than anyone could ever have.
given you all that i can give.
but now that it's time to say goodbye,
i only wish you well,
and pray that you find someone with more to offer than me.


why does death tempt me so,
when i fight to survive.
why did i let go,
when i know my heart hasn't die.
why does fate play me,
when he knows already what my future holds.
why do i still lose,
when i've fought so hard to change my destiny.
why do i still exist,
when i only live to die at the end of the day..

things start changing ever since that day.
and i cannot describe how scary being alone is.

how it hurts,
how i've regretted.
the past, the present,
and the future.

i miss you.
been reading ur emails before.
times when i was in japan..
i really really miss you.
sighs.

if one day,
something bad were to happen to me,
would you still be the one standing next to me ?

heartbreaks, heart mends.
love, life, family and friends.
they all exists,
but will be gone in time to come.
and soon i will be too.

i'm still hanging on to my beliefs.
to my promises.
and i have used all of me to uphold it.
used everything i have to try and keep it.

and when the day comes,
when i'm all weared out and teared down.
that will be the day,
that i will be gone too.

why does life feel so screwed now?
it is really because of me alone ?
why is it that some people can be so happy in life,
yet some people live only to taste misery.
while christians say God is fair,
why is it that he made life so unfair ?

do i really ask too many questions ?
...

i've only read that post a hundred more times,
and i've come to a decision.
and now that i've made my pick,
which i hope i will not come to regret,
i only pray that you will still be the way you are.

i've loved you more than i could love anyone,
and i've really given my all,
but now i see that, love alone is not enough,
and will never be enough.
i've looked at myself, reflected only about more times
than i ever have.
looked back on everything we had,
and all that we've got left now.
even though it hurts more than ever,
freedom seems like the only next best alternative.

i know you're reasons,
and it helped me see things in a better view.
i've seen pretty much of the world,
and what it has to offer.
so maybe now it's your turn,
to have a look at this world,
this ugly ugly place of filth called earth.
it's only fair.

now that i've single-handedly broken all that
i've worked for,tried for,
i hope life will be better for you.
okay, i maybe a little too upset for my own good,
but if we look on the brighter side,
it's a win-win situation for everyone.

after all that's said and done,
i only wish you,
all the best.
and remember,
you are and will always be,
the one that fits.

good day everyone.
good day ..

if only you could see what i see.